The Birthday Gift

For my 33rd birthday I want to give myself the permission to do what I always have known I am born to do which is write and make art—forever clarifying my own communication, art and writing the products—so I have to really practice bravery now. Its not all self promotion and I must really learn to take chances and wear my heart on my sleeve.

Sleeping Beauty 1 – Santa Cruz June 2016

I was dead in the back of my tuck with old clothes piled on top of me, I saw from above, and then heard a voice telling me to look around the corner—there was a raging storm;  I went into an adobe building. A table like an altar was in a dark room, there was a cereal box packaging with a human heart in it. I pulled the heart out, which was in a flesh sack, and there was a straw in it. I drank it, and my arms felt as if they were being shocked in an electric outlet just from touching the heart. Another box appeared, it was an M shaped candelabra that seemed to move on its own evil vibration. Suddenly the rest of the room lit up and spirits with Hispanic or Indian faces and clothing rose like steam, soundlessly, and at first diaphanous, but they were very serious and all pointed behind me. I turned around to find a shelving in the pinkish adobe wall, with a different M shaped candelabra that felt to vibrate of a sort of holiness. I was relieved that those anonymous spirits helped out, I took the new candelabra and went back out into the storm. Eventually I found a cozy sunlit room with beautiful windows looking out onto a lovely scene, and Jewel was out there looking for me. 

This was a life changing dream I had about three years ago, in a different life. It was when I felt more connected to my dream wisdom and was experiencing wild de ja us and seeing interactions every single day that I had dreamed. I had this dream before I was divorced and before I chose to shed a terrible skin. I had that dream before I admitted to myself I am in love with Jewel and before I knew myself sober, before my Catholic conversion and before the acceptance of my insufficiencies and also my gifts, honestly.


Sleeping Beauty 2 – Pacific Grove June 2016


Images I do accept within my days do stimulate my stories open, but I often get stuck in the doorway attempting to carry them out. It has bothered me to depend too much on visual images (the practice of vagueness is too related to passive aggressiveness), on using body as expression (damned if you do damned if you don’t/’male gaze’ & overdone feminisms etc), on writing privately (I cannot stand the thought of dying before connecting and being in the world); when the wholeness of my being requires my accurate translation of myself to the world and in relationships; the desire to write and speak well drive my inner explorations. Even though I have neglected writing (does previous decades of avid journaling count?..) except for gratitude or dreams (because I want to focus on what I want to create). Therefore I have been embarking on rousing parts of myself I had abandoned in order to build my new life almost three years ago  because they are the parts that have the right words; they are the parts that must be named and given something to do in writing and speaking or else hold me back into a kind of sleep forever.







Madame Butterflies

Everyone, in some small sanctuary of the self, is nuts.

—Leo Rosten


Contemplating at the Window, Monterey Wharf June 2016 – Canon 7D
People Madame Butterfly Santa Cruz
“Madame Butterfly”, Santa Cruz, June 25 2016 – Canon 7D


I have come to realize —

Watching, admiring, or questioning people highlights my fears about them. It feels safer to observe the ones who wear their crazy on the outside, because I so despise deception. The walls people have built to protect themselves elaborate as SCUBA equipment fascinate me and I enjoy discovering in others slivers of myself that i have never fully accepted.

I have put myself—through a deep religious conversion—in order to learn to change my beliefs——-






And so on. Fractalizing images of Seagulls

id ego superego

maiden mother crone; father son holy spirit; mother father child; creator destroyer sustainer; body mind spirit, past present future, power intellect love

this world that world celestial world
digital images for sale! $5 each – slide to desktop

Don’t Stop Imagining

Self Portrait in the Carmel Mission Museum after Mass 6/12/16

imagining = believing = being

Every time the shadow sneaks up on me I am surprised that it cannot die. What size blind spot have I built for it to bask in such darkness?  For this I find it necessary to keep writing. And I began talking to video cameras in private so that I grow quicker and make It die faster—or rather use It to my advantage—-

There are spaces. Spaces that are structures, to keep me strong and grounded; there are spaces between those that allow me moments of bliss and living, windows to fly in and out of;  the decapitated rose swears on a stack of bricks and construction zones around it develop into its templed reality.

Don’t stop imagining

the day that you do

is the day that you die

— [ youth lagoon ’17’ ]
Pedestal & a Rose – Canon 7D

 ‘pedestal & a rose’ digital image for sale – $5 here and then slide it onto your desktop

(I’m trying something scary and new and risky again watch out)

Carmel Construction Collage mirror .jpg
Construction Zone @ Carmel Mission –  6/12/16